CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.