At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
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Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”