Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
You Might Also Like
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.