Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
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I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
hackers play passwordle
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
calling in to work dehydrated
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.