i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
happy mother’s day❤️