One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok