People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
An odd boast
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.