Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
socratic questions
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.