I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
This will never not be funny to me.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover