Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
The French word for sex is croissant.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵