Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
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IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
It was worth a shot 😂
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.