Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.