Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?