me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
You Might Also Like
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶