Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
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BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
How I like cutting carbs
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.