ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
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LOL!
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.