Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
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Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I don’t know what to do
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices