Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*