genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
You Might Also Like
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
CUTE CAT‼︎
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…