MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”