hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
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When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Wait a minute…
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”