interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
You Might Also Like
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.