I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
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After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.