My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
You Might Also Like
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head