[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
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friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.