what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
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I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.