MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
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Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*