Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
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Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
The cashier just checked me out.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Meow
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons