Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My background check bounced.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.