When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
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YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong