That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.