[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
absolute chaos
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’