Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
You Might Also Like
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting