The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
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me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.