I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
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My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end