me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
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Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”