Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
🤣🤣🤣
bad news gang
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes