Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Raisins are grape jerky.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
HR said no more nunchucks.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.