*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.