One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
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She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]