“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
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I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.