Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
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Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
The booster protects against what, now?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us