[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
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[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Hell yeah 👍
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.