Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
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The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.