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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I am also baked goods
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
The cake is mightier than the sword.