What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.