You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
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I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
you have three unread messages
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock