The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
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Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad