not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks