Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
why I oughta
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
The booster protects against what, now?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”